This Week in Politics

AHS Student Council Room/Cafetorium – This week, council member John B. stunned everyone by refusing to participate in any votes or other activities, until it was agreed that his cat, Mrs. Flaubert, was adorable.  In an effort to move things along Barry, the student body president, agreed that the cat was “Pretty darn cute.”  Unappeased, John B. continued to “fill-o-buster” [sic] until funds could be allocated toward the health and well-being of Mrs. Flaubert.

Mrs. Flaubert

Teddy, John B’s cousin, verified that Mrs. Flaubert could really use the candy sale money, and that it would be fiscally irresponsibly not to do so.

The funds in question, approximately $700, were originally allocated to address the growing population of starving dogs, which have been a growing concern since emaciated strays started wandering onto campus.


hungry puppy

Tim, an AHS student, had this to say.  “This is total BS.  I had to sell, like, five boxes of chocolate bars to make that money for those dogs.  I mean, it was called the stray dog candy sale for *** sake.  Besides, John’s cat is fat.  It doesn’t need more food, it’s a fat cat.”

When asked for comment, John B’s sister Michele passed me a piece of paper with a prepared statement.  It said, “Bernie S and most of the student council hate cats.”  By lunchtime, everyone was debating whether or not the remarks were true.

That afternoon, Bernie S. responded to the vicious attack.  At the start of the meeting, just after the previous meeting’s minutes had been read, he took the floor and went on an unheard of 8 and a half-minute tirade, where he accused John B. of “slanter” [sic] and being a dog hating, wanna-be-ironic hipster.  At that point, the meeting erupted into childish name calling on both sides, until Barry called for a simple up and down vote.

Bernie S. rebuttal speech

At the end of the day, it was agreed that $200 dollars would go to the Flaubert Fund, and the rest would be given to the ASPCA.  The Flaubert Fund would be given out in two installments; the second installment taking place just after next year’s student council election.  Barry’s ex-girlfriend, who was sitting next to me during the meeting, told me that this was not a coincidence.

After the vote, Bernie S. had this to say.  “I just don’t get this place anymore.  I’m thinking of changing schools.”

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