(not so) Precious Moments

Everybody’s seen the youtube clip with the ordinary supermodel. The one where she shows up, looking like nothin’ special, and, through the miracle of a time lapse photography, transforms into something made of pure sex and chocolate. It’s all well and good on its own, girls could use a lil’ reality in terms of body image, but the problem is, like any other story, it’s complete shit. That, and it’s made my life hell.

I probablly wouldn’t mind it if I were in a different line of work, but being a wedding videographer’s hard enough without unrealistic client expectations. Take Jane (not her real name) for example. Jane is what some might call a Rubenesque vision, that is, if the vision includes pipe cleaners for hair and backne. Now, I can drop subtle hints about avoiding a backless dress, or I can suggest how a fuller veil would add an element of mystery, but since dress advice is not traditionally given by the “guy behind the Camcorder,” my opinions are always ignored.

You’d think that at least some loved one, a mother perhaps, would say, ‘You know Jane, spaghetti straps digging into your arm flesh isn’t exactly flattering. You’d think that, but 99% of the time nobody says anything.

At best, I get a quick meet and greet with the happy couple in plain clothes, which is usually enough to tell me how much work I’ll have to do to make her look like Kate Middleton. Nobody gives a shit how the groom looks. If it’ll take more than an hour of strategic lighting, and more than a day in After Effects to make her shine, I usually pass. If I can’t pass, for whatever reason, I’ll give an estimate so high that they pass.

It’s unfortunate, I’ve lost a lot of business this way. But, the alternative is doing my best and still producing a sub-par video of their special day. I don’t want it, they don’t want it, and it always ends badly. They’ll either give me a bad write up or refuse payment, and I have to take them to court to collect. Court is a time consuming pain in the ass, and it’s pretty awful making, “She looked like a small horse wrapped in swiss cheese,” part of the public record.

Maybe I should just get a job shooting pro baby pics at the Mall. It’s got to be easier than this: nobody ever admits they have an ugly baby.

 

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2 Responses to “(not so) Precious Moments”

  1. boo Says:

    cute and funny, like you. ❤

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